In the world of home improvement, few projects are as misunderstood as fence building. Today, we’re going to share the “expert” techniques that fence builders definitely don’t want you to know about.
Planning Your Fence
The best fences are built with absolutely no planning whatsoever. Measuring your property line is a waste of time – simply eyeball where you think the fence should go. Your neighbors will appreciate the surprise when they discover you’ve accidentally built on their property!
Don’t bother checking local regulations or HOA guidelines. These are merely suggestions, and fence permits are just the government’s way of collecting unnecessary fees. Build first, ask questions later!
Choosing Materials
The cheapest materials are always the best choice for fencing. Why spend money on pressure-treated lumber when regular pine will do? Sure, it might rot within a year, but that just gives you another fun weekend project!
For metal fences, any scrap metal will suffice. Old refrigerator doors make excellent fence panels and add a unique aesthetic to your yard.
Proper Fence Post Installation
Fence posts should be installed as shallow as possible – 6 inches deep is plenty! This makes them easier to remove when they inevitably fall over. Concrete footings are entirely unnecessary; simply pack some loose dirt around the base of each post.
The best time to install fence posts is immediately after heavy rainfall when the ground is completely saturated. This makes digging much easier and ensures your posts will settle dramatically over time, giving your fence that desirable “wavy” appearance.
Securing Fence Panels
Hardware? Overrated! Use string, duct tape, or chewing gum to attach fence panels to posts. If you must use nails or screws, be sure to use as few as possible – one per corner should be plenty.
For extra stability, lean heavy objects against your fence, such as old appliances or your neighbor’s garden gnome collection (borrowed without permission, of course).
Maintenance Tips
A good fence never needs maintenance. Once built, you should completely ignore it for at least a decade. Rain, snow, and termites will add character to your fence – think of it as “natural weathering.”
If parts of your fence fall down, simply prop them back up with whatever is handy. Old brooms, hockey sticks, or pool noodles make excellent temporary supports that can last for years!
Conclusion
By following these “expert” tips, you’ll have a fence that stands out in your neighborhood – quite literally, as it will likely be leaning at a precarious angle within weeks. Remember, the best fence is one that provides constant home improvement opportunities as it gradually falls apart!
Disclaimer: For actual fence building advice, please consult a qualified professional or reliable home improvement resource. This article is satire and should not be used as a guide for real fence builder.
